House-isms

My god the writers are GOOD!

(and no credit for me, it all comes from housemdfan.net)

Humanity's overrated.
--House to his team
 --(1.0 Pilot)

People don't bug me until they get teeth.
--House
 --(1.1 Paternity)

House: See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, 'cause you give me all these really great insights for free.

Cuddy: [smiling] Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.
--House and Cuddy
 --(1.1 Paternity)

I am a BORED certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious diseases and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor employed at this clinic who is here against his will... But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may seem me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell.

--House, introducing himself to a group of hapless clinic patients.

 --(1.2 Occam's Razor)

Charlie: I can't have mono. I don't even feel sick or anything.

House: That's very often the first sign.
--Charlie and House
 --(1.01 Paternity)

Occam's Razor: The simplest explanation is almost always that somebody screwed up.
--House to his team
 --(1.2 Occam's Razor)

Cameron: Men should grow up.

House: And dogs should stop licking themselves, but it isn't gonna happen.
--Cameron, House
 --(1.2 Occam's Razor)

House: Love that outfit. Says, "I'm professional, but I'm still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part."

Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle, too.
--House and Cuddy, about one of her trademark blouses.

 --(1.5 The Socratic Method)

House: Well, good news. The lab says it's not strep, so we're done.

Mom: Wait a second!

House: No, really, not strep. Boys in the lab, sure, they're hard drinkers, but they're pros, you know.
--House to a mother in the clinic.
 --(1.5 The Socratic Method)

You have a parasite . . . . Many women embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites . . . . It has your eyes.
--House, informing a clinic patient that she was pregnant.

 --(1.6 Fidelity)

Foreman: The kid was just taking his AP Calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.

House: That's the way calculus presents.
--House/Foreman
 --(1.7 Poison)

Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team." There's a "me," though, if you jumble it up.
--House
 --(1.8 DNR)

Okay, you two! Grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.
--House, trying to break up an argument between Foreman and Wilson
 --(1.9 Histories)

Let me talk to Shipping. I speak their language.
--House to the hospital pharmacist, upon learning that his Vidocin is stuck in shipping.
 --(1.10 Detox)

Cameron: If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would've packed him up and sent him home!

House: My god, you're right, I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like stink on cheese.
--Cameron & House
 --(1.11 Sports Medicine)

Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?

House: I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life.
--Chase & House
 --(1.12 Cursed)

Even if we don't learn out what's causing this, we definately need to know if twelve-year-olds are getting any action.
--House
 --(1.12 Cursed)

 Oh, it's story time! Let me get my baba!
--House
 --(1.13 Control)

Cameron: ...and your dumb patient--

House: They're all -- oh, the guy who can't talk.
--Cameron /House
 --(1.13 Control)

Clinic Dad: [types] wHats werong gwith ricky

House: Relax, Ricky's going to be just "fingth."
--Clinic Dad/House
 --(1.13 Control)

Do you get that often? Women who would rather die than get naked with you?
--House to Wilson
 --(1.13 Control)

Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.

House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you - like half your age.
--House/Cuddy
 --(1.13 Control)

Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency. You want me to write that down? Good, because it takes a while.
--House to Bill Arnello
 --(1.14 Mob Rules)

That's a catchy diagnosis. You could dance to that.
--House to Chase
 --(1.14 Mob Rules)

Ideopathic. From the Latin meaning we're idiots because we can't figure out what's causing it.
--House to his team
 --(1.16 Role Model)

I take chances all the time. It's one of my worst qualities.
--House to Senator Wright
 --(1.16 Role Model)

Only you could feel like crap about doing something good.
--Wilson to House
 --(1.16 Role Model)

Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. And my wrist might fall off.
--House
 --(1.17 Babies and Bathwater)

Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a twenty-something kid with a tatto of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he [Wilson] does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don't leave the library twenty hour stretches. They're the ones who don't care what you think. Sayonara.
--House, to applicant for Cameron's job
 --(1.18 Kids)

 and once the applicant has left:

Wilson: so should we go through the list looking for asian names?

House: No asian kids probably respond to their parents' pressure, but my point is still valid!

That's right: I'm subjecting a twelve year-old to a battery of dangerous and invasive tests to avoid being bored. ... Okay, maybe I would do that, but I'm not. If it turns out she does have meningitis, you're right - you win. But if we go back downstairs and she dies, your face will be so red.
--House to Cuddy
 --(1.18 Kids)

House: I have been on a date.

Wilson: Not since disco died.
--House/Wilson as House is getting ready for his date with Cameron
 --(1.19 Love Hurts)

Stacy: You're an idiot.

House: I think I'm more of a jerk.
--Stacy/House, as House was rejecting amputation on his leg
 --(1.20 Three Stories)

Rebellious Student: the patient's an idiot.

House: They usually are.
--House and a med student, after he told the class the story about his leg
 --(1.20 Three Stories)

Cameron: The woman you used to live with.

House: That's her Indian name. On here drivers' liecnse it says Stacy.
--Cameron/House
 --(1.21 Honeymoon)

Medical screwing. It's what I do.
--House to Stacy.
 --(1.21 Honeymoon)

House: The truth: I hear voices. All the time. Telling me to do stuff. It's crazy, huh?

Cameron: What happened to "everybody lies?"

House: I lied.
--House/Cameron, while diagnosing Mark Warner
 --(1.21 Honeymoon)

Wilson: Be yourself: Cold, uncaring, distant.

House: Please, don't put me on a pedastal.
--Wilson/House
 --(1.21 Honeymoon)

Cameron: Tummyache, cranky, no apparent source. Any thoughts? Foreman, you gonna contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? (BEAT) I'm being House. It's funny.

Foreman: (DEADPAN) I know. You made milk come out of my nose.
--Cameron/Foreman
 --(1.21 Honeymoon)

 

Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.

House: Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth.
--Chase/House
 --(2.2 Autopsy)

House: Ger her symptoms on the board.

Cameron: Whoah, you're letting me touch the markers?

House: It's written down in my advanced health care directive. Should I be incapacitated in any way, you run the board. Then Foreman. Chase, you're just not ready yet.
--Cameron/House
 --(2.2 Autopsy)

Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I'm that good.
--House
 --(2.3 Humpty Dumpty)

Two successful surgeries, two lives saved. I'm over my quota. Can I have next week off?
--House to Cuddy
 --(2.6 Spin)

House: You are healed! Rise and walk!

Jeff Hastert: Are you insane?

House: In the Bible, you just say, "yes, Lord," and then start right in on the praising.
--House/Jeff Hastert after House administered a shot to ease his symptoms
 --(2.6 Spin)

Everybody covers their ass.
--House
 --(2.10 Failure to Communicate)

It's called cataplexy. Cat fight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool.
--House to Alex the supermodel.
 --(2.13 Skin Deep)

When guys have brain-crotch problems, it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.
--House to his team in diagnosing Henry Arrington's illness.
 --(2.14 Sex Kills)

Wilson: No wonder you were in the mood. This month's New Jersey Journal of Cardiology.

House: Have you see the centerfold? There's no way those valves are real!
--Wilson/House after House kept Wilson waiting on the doorstep, the latter believing the formerwas involved with a woman.
 --(2.16 Safe)

Hannah: I've got the plague?

House: Don't worry; it's treatable. Being a bitch, though, nothing we can do about that.
--House telling Hannah she has the plague.
 --(2.18 Sleeping Dogs Lie 2.18)

House: You have a gift for manipulation.

Wilson: I listen: I have an actual conversation with people, which shockingly does raise the odds that they'll be cooperative.

House: That's what I'm saying. You read the kid then manipulated the hell out of him.
--House and Wilson, discussing how Wilson convinced Boyd to have surgery.
 --(2.19 House vs. God)

They could build monuments to your self-centerdness.
--Wilson to House when the latter interrupted a consult with a terminal patient.
 --(2.19 House vs. God)

Chase: You want to give Foreman a brain biospy?

House: Come on, really. Who doesn't?
--Chase/House, after Foreman started to exhibit the same symptoms as the policeman.
 --(2.20 Euphoria, Pt. 1)

Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.

House: Well, if I shot I live person, there's a lot more paperwork.
--Cuddy/House.
 --(2.20 Euphoria, Pt. 1)

Rodney Foreman: My son says you're a manipulative bastard.

House: It's a pet name. I call him Dr. Bling.
--Foreman's dad, House.
 --(2.21 Euphoria, Pt. 2)

Cameron: Foreman's black.

House: Wait? How long have you been sitting on this information?
--Cameron/House. Cameron was attempting to point out that the reason Foreman reacted differently than the cop was because of the way certain diseases affect black people.
 --(2.21 Euphoria, Pt. 2)

Idiots are fun. no wonder every village wants one.
--House
 --(2.22 Forever)

Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks.
--House, when his team suggested they redo a test.
 --(2.22 Forever)

Moriarty: I don't want to hear semantics.

House: You anti-semantic bastard.
--House and "Moriarty" arguing over whether House cares if he lives or dies.
 --(2.24 No Reason)

Cuddy: You ran here?

House: It's just eight miles.

House: Why does a dog lick its...what's an acceptable euphemism for testicles?

Wilson: Because he can.

--Cuddy, House, and Wilson, after House ran eight miles to his first day at work after the Ketamine treatment.
 --(3.01 Meaning)

House: I've changed.

Wilson: No you haven't.

House: No I haven't.
--House/Wilson on whether or not House has changed mentally as well as physically post Ketamine.
 --(3.01 Meaning)